Light 'Em Up: Five World Leaders Who Should Smoke Pot NOW!


What the world needs now is...a lot of things. Love, sure, that goes a long way towards slowing down this handbasket to hell we're all riding in. What the world really needs--right now--is for a few world leaders to discover the joys of some good weed.

Think about it--if Trump and Kim had smoked some fine Vietnamese cannabis before that dreadful summit the other week, they might have just decided to get rid of all the nukes and go get decent haircuts together before the grip-and-grin with the press. Trump has already confessed that he and the other Dear Leader had "fallen in love" over some decidedly ill-advised mash notes, let's imagine a world where Trump and Kim smoked some pot together.

Donald Trump

This one's almost too easy. Let's sit for a minute and visualize Alec Baldwin doing a stoned Donald Trump.

Trump is famously a teetotaler and has never done any drugs. He's also a little thin-skinned and seems wound kind of tight, so he would do all of us a favor if he got high every now and again. It's a service to his constituents to at least try some of the local pot grown in the states where it's legal, and in this upcoming re-election battle he's going to need all the help he can get. He's already gotten the post-high snacking down to an art form, the least he can do is smoke some high-quality cannabis to justify eating a bucket of chicken somewhere over Nebraska.

Think about how nice it would be if he fired up the neurotransmitters in his brain--like the ones that control speech. He could uses words in some semblance of syntax--no more word salads--and expand his vocabulary beyond "hoax" and "witch hunt" and " no collusion". To say that Trump needs to think outside the box to get things done does imply a certain amount of cognitive function, but if he partook of some herbal relaxation during executive time, maybe he'd get more creative with solutions to tough problems, and be less likely to hit the nuke codes when Jared strolled in to tell him he'd traded Melania to the Saudis for some trinkets and beads.

Teresa May

If ever a politician needed to get outside of her head to figure out a problem, it's the British PM. With Brexit looming right around the corner and a country that really might not want to exit the EU after all, Madame PM needs to get creative fast, or the English economy is going down the Tube. A little weed with her afternoon tea, and she can let go of her anxiety about the no-confidence vote and focus on how to finesse Brexit--she'd be more relaxed and less anxious, so more likely consider trading Northern Ireland for the South of France. Hindus consider marijuana a sacred plant, and with so much Indian influence in present-day London, surely she could find some holy weed to help her out of this unholy mess. The US and Great Britain have had recent stresses with Trump's ignorance of the Special Alliance, so maybe if May and Trump smoked together during their next visit we could get the relationship back on track.

Nicolas Maduro

If anybody on the world stage--even somebody who ought to really take the hint and get off--needs to relax a little, it's former Venezuelan President and current despot-in-training Maduro. He's not handling his loss in a (probably) rigged election very well, and shows all the signs of anxiety and depression. Since marijuana eases depression, and does assist in easing the overall psyche, somebody needs to FedEx a few ounces to this guy before he gets so upset he starts a civil war and a whole new population of PTSD sufferers. The economy of Venezuela has completely collapsed under his lack of leadership, so it's a good thing that pot is affordable. Maduro is arresting foreign journalists who disagree with his being in power, so he clearly needs some help with that Napoleonic complex. He's paranoid enough already, smoking a little cannabis might calm him down enough that he doesn't blow up the country before they get rid of him. That paragon of US diplomacy, John Bolton (who could use some good pot himself), has determined Maduro's got to go, so it's only a matter of time.

Kim Jong Un

Saving the best for almost-last, Dear Leader of the DPRK is most in need of a good high. Forget the part about relaxing, opening up your creativity, and really helping you zero in on how to think better, this guy just needs to extricate himself form the world and go on a big old toot. Kim is the worst of the worst--when you look up "sub-human" in the dictionary, it's his picture you see. North Korea is too isolated and impoverished to have much hope of getting rid of the guy, but if somebody could get him some good cannabis and encourage him to light up (tell him his lover Donald does it too), it would at least distract him from killing random family members at the airport. It's not like this guy has self-esteem issues and needs to ease up on his anxiety--have you seen his suits and haircut--but the good people of North Korea would be a lot better off if he spent his days getting high, and not making yellowcake uranium.

Xi Jinping

The Chinese Premier, President, Leader of the Communist Party, and Santa Claus, all rolled into one, Xi is the most powerful person in the world--and like a Bond movie, for Xi, the world might not be enough. He's got China asserting their eminent domain in the Arctic, the depths of the ocean, and now space--China's sent a rocket to the moon recently and planted the Chinese flag. Two things, both of which Xi encourages, have caused the Chinese economy to roar into position to challenge the US--intellectual property piracy and sweatshop labor. So Xi clearly needs to stop stealing Apple technology and exploiting the rural workers, maybe he could expand his mind with some marijuana and rethink his policies on human rights abuses. Just a thought.

The chances of any of these leaders actually lighting a blunt are pretty slim, but given their collective decision-making skills, we could all chip in to buy them some pipes and papers. Which politicians do you think ought to smoke pot? Who do you think already does? They have to inhale for it to count. Let us know in the comments!

 


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